“What the superior man seeks is in himself;

what the small man seeks is in others.” ~Confucius

Approval-seeking behavior manifests in our daily lives, sometimes buried so deep, we give it no notice. Dealing with the fear of failing or the anxiety it creates, we may become paralyzed in procrastination, or we may overachieve, bulldozing our way through life.

Not all approval seeking is a bad thing. As adolescents, we seek approval from our parents and teachers, which guides us in making the right decisions. But as adults, we continue to seek approval or default to a place of justification or explanation.

When we turn outside ourselves, because of our inability to heed the voice of our intuition or to think independently, is when it becomes detrimental to our well-being. Whether it is conscious or not, we give away our power when seeking external validation. The more we engage in approval-seeking behavior, the further we move from our intuitive knowingness.

These behaviors may be holding us back from otherwise fruitful opportunities. Although it can be challenging to stop, we can begin by identifying if we are indeed approval seekers.

Are you an approval seeker?

Do you make decisions about your life based on the opinions of others, even though it feels wrong to you?

Do you change your position on a topic or participate in gossip to fit in?

When someone disagrees with you, does it crush your initiative?

Are you afraid to complain when someone has wronged you, even if you are paying for a service?

Do you apologize even when it was not your fault?

Do you seek compliments about yourself to make yourself feel better, then are upset when you don’t get them?

Do you act out to get people’s attention, even if it is in a non-productive or negative way?

Is your need for approval pushing you too much? Are you going over and beyond, at the expense of your well-being?

Do you have a fear of letting people down, so you don’t even start?

Approval seeking must not be confused with asking for advice or participating in a collaboration. The input of others is necessary and valuable; the motivation behind why we are asking is vital.

If the sole purpose is for the approval of others, we open the doors to self-doubt and hurt feelings. Our happiness or disappointment hinges on those opinions. We leave ourselves vulnerable to constant uncertainty.

Approval seeking or seeking validation of who we are from others comes from a lack of esteem. Actively seeking advice or collaboration is the opposite. We trust our inner voice and are seeking input from those with useful information. 

Everything in life presents an opportunity to examine our truth and grow. One such opportunity recently presented itself to me.

An idea for a project came to me late one eve. Within 24 hours, the ball was rolling. Honing in on the concept, I sought out the advice of friends to challenge and to poke holes in my idea. Each conversation moved me forward with a piece of wisdom that rang true to the message. And, viola, the project took on a life of its own.

I was not looking to be coddled or patted on the back. Instead, I was requesting valid and trusted input to make the concept better. Because I was not seeking approval but instead seeking constructive criticism, my project was enhanced.

Being open to opinions goes hand in hand with no approval needed. The ability to hear our inner council allows us the confidence to seek advice from others without the need for validation.

Learning to trust our inner voice and intuition, can illuminate the way we interact with others and free us from approval-seeking behavior. With it comes the confidence to participate in true collaboration.

“Stay true to yourself. An original is worth more than a copy.”
― Suzy Kassem