You cannot find peace by avoiding life.
~Virginia Woolf
Humans are complicated. We have each other’s backs, but not always, because sometimes it’s every man for himself. Why does misery love company? Why do we like it when everyone is in the same boat?
When I came upon this story about crabs, I realized we are not dissimilar to crustaceans.
Fishermen use crabs as bait. If you put crabs in a bucket, you don’t need to put a lid on it. They will stay piled upon each other at the bottom of the bucket. Occasionally, one starts to make a break, attempting to climb up the side of the bucket; the others will grab hold and pull him back down. It is the nature of the collective consciousness of the crabs. Perhaps it is a safety in numbers mentality. Or don’t venture out to the unknown; it is dangerous. It is also the epitome of if I can’t have it, neither can you.
Conversely, if only one crab is in the bucket, there must be a lid on the bucket. Otherwise, the solitary crab will climb up and out of the bucket, searching for freedom. Is the survival instinct stronger when one is solo? From a young age, we learn to fit in, not to rock the boat. To be boastful or to take all of the credit are unfavorable traits. And yet, to make it, we need to stand out. We are rewarded for being the star athlete or the poster child, and excelling in school is necessary to get into a good college and make future life connections. Then, as we enter the workforce, we are encouraged to stand out, bring attention to our accomplishments and strengths, and get the promotion, proving we are irreplaceable.
Yet, balance is needed to avoid alienating our coworkers. Even if some stand out, we need to fit in.
Most of us have experienced the bucket of crabs syndrome at some point in our lives. What’s crazy about it is that it is a complication of being human. It is not simply about survival, as it is for the crabs. We also have human relationships to maneuver.
Knowingly or not, families, friends, peers, and teachers can squash our dreams and clip our wings. Or at least attempt to.
A story comes to mind when I first entered high school. Before I was a freshman, I decided to graduate a year early. During orientation, I went to the counselor I had been assigned and told him what I wanted to do. He responded with reasons I shouldn’t, couldn’t, and he wouldn’t help me with my plan.
I walked out of his office (I may have shouted something at him, being the hormonal teenager I was) and across the hall to another counselor, Mr. Goulet. He looked calm and had a beard. When I walked into his office, he had heard my words from across the hall. He looked up and asked what he could help me with.
I explained that I wanted to graduate a year early. He said, “OK,” He didn’t ask why, but told me I needed a note from a parent, and we were good to go. Together, we outlined the additional courses I needed to take, including a night class at the city college. He warned me it would be a lot of work, but with focus, it was doable.
I did it. I had intended to graduate early three years prior, and it was realized.
Mr. Goulet was not afraid to let me leave the bucket; he facilitated it. The other counselor was in the bucket. He did not see a way out for himself and could not understand why I needed or wanted out.
Those in the bucket do not understand the shackles they project upon one another. They cannot see the horizon; it does not exist to them.
Our convictions must be strong if we find ourselves in a bucket of crabs. Experience comes from stepping outside what is comfortable, and success comes from following our intentions. Both require courage to take the first steps, stamina to keep going, and not accepting “no” for an answer.
My desire to succeed overrode the naysaying counselor. Hearing “no” and “we” was not feasible for the outcome I could visualize. I questioned the counselor/ student relationship when I realized the counselor could not see who I was. To change course, I needed only to see the open door across the hallway and step through it.
Unfortunately, crabs do not have a choice about being in the bucket. But as humans, we do. Letting go of limitations, self-imposed or set by others, and climbing out of our comfort zones is a start.
When we embrace the unknown and take the path less traveled, we may be surprised to see what doors open before us. Life begins when we are uncomfortable, challenged, and courageous enough to take the road less traveled.
Even if you Don’t Know… Give it a Go.
~Sir Ken Robinson
