When one’s expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have.

Stephen Hawking

Are you on a self-help journey, reading illuminating books, or taking course after course with enlightened teachers, and all you want to do is share these gems of wisdom with your loved ones and friends, but to no avail?

They’re happy for you; they say, that’s great info, or I’ll check it out. Yet, you see no effort made or interest taken. This aggravates you. What you are learning is so beneficial. You want to share it. Everyone needs it.

How in the world can you get them to wake up and learn?

You can’t.

You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink.

Or can you?

While competing in endurance, it was imperative to keep horses hydrated. I  had heard the adage about leading a horse to water, so I figured it was accurate. Surprisingly, I discovered it was not. The mitigating factor was how we went about teaching the horse to drink.

The core of teaching is not to pressure them. When you pass through a stream on a trail, experienced horses will lower their heads to drink, some practically pulling you into the water. The timid ones need guidance. If a novice horse looks around nervously, gently redirect their attention; a nudge is often enough. Horses are ultra-sensitive, able to feel a single fly on their backs,  and with their imposing stature, we forget this. Forcing will only serve to create stress. If they sense impatience or agitation from the rider, they will become the same. So, as riders, we must relax our bodies and minds as we sit astride.

Riding with a seasoned horse and calmly walking into the stream is often an effective way to show by example. This also calms the rider. Whatever tension the rider has telegraphs directly to the horse as a warning. Our expectations also create concern and anxiety for the horse.

Horses and humans are not dissimilar. But just as an experienced horse teaches by example, humans can lead by example.

The defining difference between a horse and a human is that a horse will not force another horse to learn. They have nothing invested in the outcome.

Humans get stuck, projecting what we think is best for another because we think it is good for us. Then we layer on our expectations and get weighed down by frustration. For growth to occur, we need an opening. No two things can occupy the same space simultaneously, so when expectation occupies it, it prevents anything else from coming in and blocks change. Once we set expectations aside, we create opportunities for change.

This is true for horses, our friends, loved ones, and ourselves.

A Zen Buddhist teaching called shoshin, or beginner’s mind, suggests we approach every situation with an empty cup, ready to receive, with openness, eagerness, and no preconceptions. A full cup has no place to welcome what is available.

When we focus on what we expect, we limit what could happen.

We want the best for our community of friends and family, and because it’s best for us, we assume it’s best for everyone. However, it is not. Humans learn in many forms. No one-size-fits-all system exists, with one exception: no one likes to be force-fed.

Setting aside our expectations reduces the urge to insert our ego, allowing us to empty our cups and experience what is.

The frustration and concerns we feel for our fellow man to wake up are real. But just like a horse, we can not force them to do so, yet if we can move our expectations aside, we may discover that the outcome can exceed our envisioned unreasonable expectations. Leading by example and being the change you want to see is the most significant gift we can share.

Each small, seemingly inconsequential kindness builds exponentially on itself. One by one, let’s become the world we want to live in.

My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.

Michael J. Fox